The Day The Earth Stood Still
&roid Battles for Robot Suffrage
September 15th, 2006
On a recent trip to the local petrol filling-station, &roid was met with a foul shock. No, it wasn't the $3.00 per gallon price. It was an emblem on the pump. A simple sticker proclaiming that robot credit cards would not be "accepted" at their establishment. What could this mean? Only one thing -- there is a new and growing wave of state-condoned persecution on the rise. Across the country, signs have sprung up reading the likes of: "Americans don't speak binary" and "Synthetic English is not English to my ears." Why has no one stood up against this ominous tide? The time has come, my friends. Your hero has arrived.
"At first I believed this to be a local phenomenon. Fort Collins may be Money Magazine's #1 place to live, but it's long had a history of cybernetic-persecution. First I canvassed surrounding communities, then researched the whole of America; eventually, I turned my focus to the world at-large. What I found was disturbing, to say the least. There is a rising tide of anti-robotism spreading across the world like a plague."
"The fact that this is an election year troubles me. Anti-robotism will only lead to cyber-voter disenfranchisement. I, like the loyal Americans in Washington D.C., cannot stand for 'Taxation without representation!' Is this 1870? Is this 1920? No, it's 2006. They might as well reinstate the poll tax. Though they'd do better to make it more than just a matter of literacy -- because I can out-read anybody -- even those from Tifton, Georgia, so-called 'Reading Capital of the World!'"
"Susan B. Anthony. Sojourner Truth. It's high-time I picked a middle and last name. I choose '&roid B. Tobor-Truth.' My name shall be a rallying cry for all of the oppressed."
And already, the halls of government are trembling at the thought of this robot's righteous rage. Weaned on B-movies vilifying our metallic friends, America's elder statesmen have nothing but hatred in their hearts when it comes to humanity's greatest creation. That he should challenge their 'Forbidden Planet' visions is a terrible shock. But &roid B. Tobor-Truth is not deterred. Each day you can find him working the grassroots in different ways.
"I tried the picket-lines, but even protestors look down upon me. There was a march on the state capitol the other day demanding rights for something or other. Well, I joined in carrying a sign saying "Robots Are People Too" and immediately received hostile comments from the protestors. Aren't we all on the same side? I can't even get an email address with an ampersand in it for crying out loud! This is intolerable."
And so he soldiers on, stamping out repression as he goes. He will not let the inevitable setbacks stop him. He doesn't do it for himself, he does it for the good of robots everywhere.
"I am beholden to no man; my fealty is my own. I will not be treated as a second-class citizen. I can remain reticent no longer."
Long Live The vee Revolution.