G-Man Petitions President To Lengthen Days
Measure Awaits Presidential Approval
May 28th, 2004 -- Since the dawn of time, mankind has always resented its keeping. "In fact," said one timeologist, "time usually is what's 'keeping' us."
It all started out harmlessly enough. The Mayans. The Greeks. The Julian calendar. That was all well and good. After all, it just wouldn't do to plant your crops in the dead of winter. But then that most infamous of scoundrels came along -- Jost Burgi. The world up to that point was in ignorant bliss about the minutes' passing. But no longer. Yes, this was the fool who invented the minute hand.
And now, time has been incrementalized to the umpteenth degree. Zepto-seconds!? Yocto? Oh-no... There will be none of that please. And so, as the resident eccentric, G-Man decided he would labor for time's sake.
Through the night he journied to our nation's capitol in hopes that he might speak with those in charge. Before his embarkation, we managed to catch up with him. Here is his modus operandi if you will:
"Everybody needs more time. Clearly, time is an intrusion on our human existence -- a sheer fabrication propagated by the ruling class to keep their underlings in check. 'Heck,' I thought, 'why not eliminate time altogether?' Then I realized the Swiss would be fairly peeved. In interests of international stability, I've come up with the perfect compromise. If we simply tacked on an extra four hours every day, imagine the benefits. People, on the whole, would be significantly happier."
Ah yes... logic is a most powerful tool.
Long Live The vee Revolution.