Cold War Gangsters In Middle America?
Surveillance Photographs Hint At Bizarre Truth
March 17th, 2004 -- While on assignment a few nights ago, the vee device photographers captured some alarming images. Yes, it is shocking to be sure, but in the grainy phosphorescence of the streetlamps, there appears to be a figure, in full Soviet garb, lurking in the shadows. How could they have found their way into our neighborhoods? What could they want here? Where have you gone Joe McCarthy-O? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you...
Perhaps they are dealing in mail-order brides as this picture to the right might indicate. Or maybe they want our children. Or worse yet, our automobiles. How can we recognize and put a stop to this insidious threat?
Luckily, we are not only a band, but public servants. Have no fear, this has been brought to the attention of the local authorities. Here's what they had to say about it:
Detective Jarecki: "Communists? ... In Fort Collins?"
vee device Representative: "I'm afraid so."
Detective Jarecki: "I've never heard of such a thing."
vee device Representative: "Lenin's arm stretches far these days comrade. While the commander in chief has been romping about elsewhere, it seems we've lost sight of the Reds."
Detective Jarecki: "How widespread do you think this is?"
vee device Representative: "Where there's one, there's bound to be more. They're no doubt multiplying like rabbits."
Detective Jarecki: "Don't worry my boy, I've seen a great many Ruskies in my day. I know how to spot them a mile off. I'll put out an APB across the country and notify the authorities to start a black-list."
vee device Representative: "Phew. In the meantime, what's the best way to discern one of these blokes from an ordinary individual?"
Detective Jarecki: "Commies like the color red. If you see that or a hammer and sickle, you've probably got one."
vee device Representative: "And if we happen to notice either of these warning signs?"
Detective Jarecki: "Scream some sort of alarming phrase -- they are wary of loud noises."
vee device Representative: "Like 'Bowling Bolsheviks!' ?"
Detective Jarecki: "Precisely. Just keep your eyes open."
vee device Representative: "Thanks for the advice."
Remember, these people could be anywhere. They could have set up shop in your hamlet too. They might even be in your own backyard... Be ever vigilant.
Keeping you informed... Long Live The vee Revolution.